metacognition | pc catchall | homophonic

[ fei du has never, in his entire life, been in a bowling alley, so when he enters this establishment in his slow exploring of this new city, he just kind of stops at the door and takes it all in, eyebrows just briefly raising... this sure is a lot...

where's netzach whats he up to in this bowling hell ]

[ sweats in moving hell god

ANYWAY we're here! it's a park! a playground! a single tree. fei du is here with a coffee in his hand, looking the playground equipment up and down. ]

Nostalgic, isn't it?

[ sweats

on this fine wednesday after the mini event, fei du is sitting in the park - he's got a green jacket draped over his shoulders, and no longer looks so much like a wet cat, though he does look a little... well.... he looks relaxed? who knows.

like a content cat. he opens his eyes when someone comes by, though, and tilts his head a little, voice a little looser than usual. ]

Netzach. [ with a smile. ] Hello.

[ happy die day!

fei du is wandering around after the whole erasure announcement, phone in his hand. despite the fact that he threw up like, twenty minutes ago, he looks relatively composed again now, and when he spots netzach, he gives him a little nod of his head. ]

Netzach. You alright? All things considered.

[ whew what a trial

after all of that, fei du can be found in the ikea. he's sitting in a chair tucked away a bit, a green jacket slung around his shoulders, and most importantly, there's very soft music playing from his phone that's sitting on his lap.

his eyes are closed, but, at least it doesn't look like he's asleep or anything. hey there ]

[ in the museum today! fei du is walking around the museum, likely looking for evidence or clues - when he spots netzach, he gives him a small nod of the head in greeting. he seems... aloof, really. ]

Netzach. [ where you at bud ] It seems we chose somewhere to sleep that might've been a crime scene.

Edited 2023-06-24 02:13 (UTC)

[ void

a sort of wryly amused voice comes wherever netzach's hanging out: ]

... You know, I think if you wanted to take that drug route, no one would criticize you after today.

[ what a fucking trial. hi. ]

[ well hello

fei du's out here. he's at the park, sitting on a bench, holding a mug of something in his hands. occasionally, sparks flicker across his knuckles. he is absolutely still disassociating out of his fucking mind it's fine.

hi ]

[ on this fine monday, fei du is perusing the shelves at the library, holding a small stack of books in his left arm. he seems perfectly at peace to be doing this, though when he hears footsteps, he turns his head...

... and then takes one step to the right in the other direction. this dulls the emotion share just a little - though it's mostly just ! and a little bit of oh, hello! novelty at the moment. he does not acknowledge stepping away. ]

Netzach, hello.

[happy pride egg

whenever and wherever he next comes across fei du, he pauses, vibes decidedly concerned as he looks him over to see how he appears to be doing. hi...]

...you okay, man?

[hey man.

so the vibes are just. they're bad. primarily sad, a little weary resignation, a little worry.]

...sorry. I kind of hoped...

[ well

after all of that fei du is just outside of the house. he made it about three stumbling steps before stumbled into the closest bushes, dropped to his knees, and is just throwing up the entire contents of his stomach. his emotions are an unchecked fucking wreck, somewhere between complete and utter despair and fury and an unbelievable amount of disgust and nausea.

hey ]

[ we're in the vr room today!! fei du peeked in when he saw netzach using it, and he knocks his knuckles on the frame of the door and offers him a smile in greeting. ]

Hello, Netzach. Exploring...?

[ a text, hours later. ]

Do you know what size you wear?

[ happy memshare week! fei du's just out exploring the new locations this week, impeccably dressed, and... holding a tiny baby duckling that's blue? anyway dont worry about that

out of nowhere a pig noise just RUNS BY at top speed right when he sees netzach! fucking pig noise.

and one second later, netzach is treated to a memory. ]

[ after zhou huaixin is stabbed, repeatedly, in front of you, after you speak with his brother, after you call luo wenzhou and he picks you up, after the entire debacle with him in your house, you finally, finally, get a moment to yourself and your thoughts.

and that's the thing about it - they are your thoughts. they've been drilled into you by the malicious and purposeful actions of your father, who showed his love to you by making sure you were his protege. countless lessons were taught in the basement of the home where your family spent the most of their time. countless images as you sat at a tiny, rosewood desk, and watched your father beat your mother. countless words, as fei chengyu placed a hamster as small as your palm in your tiny, tiny hand, and talked to you about what life and death were really were. countless lessons as he placed a band of iron around your neck, punished your instincts of kindness with the tightening of a band that made you choke. countless lectures on how life and death were yours to control, how they didn't matter, how if people needed to die they just needed to die. how you were going to be his perfect heir, as he tucked your hair behind your ear and you trembled strapped into a chair. a monster well developed.

but the furniture in the basement of the home has been replaced. you still own the childhood house, passed on to you. it's exactly in the condition it was when the woman who lived here died, except for this room.

now that you own it, the basement has been remodeled. in the center of the room is a chair, surrounded by floor to ceiling LED screens. a small computer sits on a table by the chair, and a small refrigerator sits beside it. the room smells faintly, just barely, of blood.

you make your way down the stairs into the basement, and you shut the door behind you. you can still see the images in your head: huaixin, dying in front of you, how you felt for a moment this was just an animal, not a human being. the blood, blood from his stab wound, blood on his shirt, on the ground under his corpse, how sick and nauseous you felt seeing it - but how numb you felt, how you didn't know what the people around you were feeling, how you should feel, the way it felt like you were split in two parts, your father's voice -

"Every moment is death. The only thing that doesn't change is the sack of skin made of carbohydrates. If you feel an emotional connection to the sack of skin, isn't it like anthropomorphizing the pork on your plate? It's a sort of delusional disorder."

that numb emotional disconnect is still there, uncomfortable in your chest, almost too comfortable. you drop into the chair, calmly, and you reach for the leather belts, and tie them. around your arm. around your chest. around your waist. strapping yourself in. you take the electrodes and put them on your chest through your open shirt. you consider the emetics in the fridge, and then decide against it.

(Clinical research says there are several disadvantages to the use of drugs: the cerebral depressant effect may interfere with the patient's ability to form responses)

you reach over your head for the headphones on the edge of the chair, mechanically, and you put them over your head. take a deep breath in the disconnect and lack of emotion. feel the lack of care. feel it pushing at the edges of your definition of self. your hands are shaking again.

you type something one handed onto the little computer and hit a button. the sound of electricity buzzes through the chair around you, and you loll your head to look at the screen, eyes open. you hit play.

the video screens flare to life as the music plays over your headphones - a hysterical scream breaks through the cutting of the music, and the screens flash on in front of you. it's a direct broadcast of a murder, the victim screaming like a dying farm animal as the man killing them stabs into them with a knife - you raise me up so i can stand on mountains -

the minute it appears, you push a button - violently, electricity pulses through your body, sends you jolting and shuddering. again. again, as the video continues - people being beheaded, executed by firing squad - every time you see the image, you electrocute yourself - it hurts, it hurts it hurts - you hate pain and pain is watching other people suffer, pain is knowing that other people hurt, people's lives shouldn't be taken violently and cruelly you won't be a monster, you will do this over and over to yourself until you can't anymore, you will throw up the contents of your stomach at the sight of blood because you won't be what fei chengyu wanted you to be, you won't

( The use of the apparatus follows classical conditioning technique. The stimulus to which aversion is to be produced is presented, and then a shock is administrated. This procedure is repeated throughout the treatment session of 20 to 30 minutes, which can be held up to six times a day. The strength of the shock should be adjusted so that it is as painful as the patient can bear. )

[ when the memory ends, fei du takes a sharp, violent breath, and holds very still. ]

[ aaand we're back! fei du will take netzach not too far away from the city center - he's actually walking towards a side street! and when he does, he reaches into his pocket, and then there's a beep beep! noise

and the lights on a nice car flash.

he tilts his head back towards netzach with a smile. ]

Shall we?

weekend 0, friday!

week 0, monday!

w0 wednesday looks at these threads i mostly abandoned moving is hell

week 0, fri

week 0, saturday

week 1, friday

w1 sat

wk 1 sun

w2 monday

w2 thursday...