metacognition | pc catchall | homophonic

My honest words are hard to come by: you look awful.

[ but, he pushes the pjs into his hands. ]

Here.

Guess that's not surprising, after everything. At least Yesod's not here to scold me for it... but he'd just say I look awful all the time anyway.

[he takes them with a little nod.]

Thanks, man.

Sure.

[ ... ]

Are your injuries alright? I did use Healing Wave earlier in my demonstration - if you need a little extra...

... I'll be okay for the night. Don't know how tomorrow's gonna go yet, but if whoever ends up there needs it-- maybe after we make sure everything's fine there.

[it's his secondary, what if one of his teammates gets picked and he'd healed netzach.

he's quiet for a few seconds after that, though, before-]

Hey, can I ask you something about last week?

Alright.

[ as for the second part, he tilts his head, expression not really changing - he does slip his hands into his pockets, but that's about it. ]

Go ahead.

Did she tell you guys why?

Why Buzen? Or why she chose to act in the first place?

Both, I guess. I just wanted to talk again at all, before Sunday, and she didn't want to talk about it, so I kind of... let it go.

[ he sighs, a little, and runs his thumb over whatever's in his pocket, enough that the motion is visible. ]

I don't know why Buzen. I didn't ask. But I do know why she did it.

... what did she say about it?

[ fei du falls quiet, for a long, thoughtful moment. ]

... She received a message that told her to erase someone before the end of the week, or the entirety of Sweet Theory would be erased.

Mm. ...kinda figured it was probably something like that.

[thanks he hates it, actually.]

Lambda said she'd told her why it was Buzen. I guess I... hoped there was a different answer anyway.

I think if I had asked, she would have told me.

[ but he didn't. she was so upset about it; they spent their last night together drinking absinthe and enjoying each other's company, instead. fei du's expression doesn't change much, but he does look away. ]

I defended her because it wasn't her fault. I wanted everyone to look at me last week, because I didn't want her to think that we all believed she was cruel.

I didn't think she was. She always-- reminded me of someone I knew.

[some of the things she said were just... they were so like her. he wanted to know her better, though, know more.]

...she told Lambda it was because Buzen said he didn't know how long he'd be there, if he got to go back. Because of what he is, and how he exists. I haven't really known what to make of that.

[ .... mmm. there's not much reaction, but his brows knit together, mouth pressing into a frown. ]

...Ultimately, we weren't in her shoes. All we can think is what we might've done, in the same situation. I don't know if it feels like closure, but...

[ a pause. his mouth twitches a little into a smile. ] ...I'm glad to know. Thank you, for sharing that with me.

...yeah. No problem.

[he can't quite match the smile, a little troubled. all he's really been able to think of it since then is just--

well. it doesn't matter. nobody can ask her.]

Thanks again. I'll-- get these back to you after I get some other clothes.

[ he nods, at first, noting that troubled look.

... and after a moment, gentle, brows knitting together in worry: ]

Of course. ...Though, if you have any more questions to ask...

[he hesitates at that offer, but eventually shakes his head.]

... don't think any of them are ones you could answer, man.

...I don't mind trying.

[ :c ]

[he's quiet, there, for several seconds. just... debating.]

I guess- I just wish I had asked anyway. Found out whether she would have told me herself. The explanation she gave Lambda... it would have applied to me, too.

Mm.

[ he thought it might be something like that. they talked about it, a week or so ago.

fei du's quiet, for a moment, but it's not a bad pause - it's thoughtful. he's the type of person who considers his words carefully, particularly in this kind of topic. ]

... I think that being human is a very complicated thing. I wouldn't say that I considered Buzen inhuman, nor would I consider you inhuman. On the flip side, I've met people who are considered 'human', people from my world, where there's no other alternative, who I would barely consider human at all because of their behavior. I think even I can be inhuman, sometimes.

All of that is to say that I can't tell you what Libby would or wouldn't have thought. I can't say that choosing someone based on that reasoning is something I would do, if I was in her shoes. But I wasn't.

[ absently, he reaches into his pockets, fiddling with something in there. ]

It is a callous way to think, and I think sometimes people will look for anything to justify their actions.

...sometimes justification is all we can really hope for, I think. That there'll be a good enough reason for what we've done.

I don't know. It's simpler and it's harder than it seems like.

[some things, you really can't justify. sometimes, the justification is all that keeps you going.]

I never considered him inhuman, either.

And ultimately, any justification is up to the individual who perceives it. Nothing is ever truly simple.

[ fei du smiles, a little. he's that kind of person - when you look at him, it's like staring into a kaleidoscope, a constantly refracting image, a constantly shuffling parade of refracting lights. complexity is the way he lives. ]

You don't have to forgive her for it. I can't forgive whoever killed Shenhe - maybe that's selfish of me, but I don't care.

... it's not that I don't forgive her. I don't think that it's necessarily fair to blame anyone here for wanting to live, or for wanting your team to live. None of it is fair-- that's the kind of situation we've all been put in, so if anyone really deserves to be blamed for it, then it's whoever decided on this.

[it's just-- it's hard to fault people for doing what they feel like they need to do.]

I just wish that if that's how she felt, she'd picked me. Going after him was always going to mean losing all three of them.

[ what's it like to forgive people cannot relate he is a petty bitch ]

Mm. That's very true. [ and truthfully, he doesn't feel like he blames libby, or count D, or yang guifei, or even who killed lambda, whoever that was, but shenhe is different. ]

...but I - yes. I don't think she really thought that all the way through. [ here, fei du's expression does soften, mouth bowing into a soft frown. he was aware of that too, and it nags at the back of his head. ] ... I tried to prevent it from happening, at the end. I had hoped if people believed I was the one who did it, then it would be Libby and myself in the execution ring, and Matsui and Rang might have survived a bit longer.

But... I don't think they would have, anyhow. It's complicated - as many things are. [ he can't hold it against matsui, for not wanting to live anymore. someone said once, it's better to be dead if you can't be free, and if life itself is the shackle when someone's gone, it's... well. there's no sense in assigning fault. the only person he holds any sort of grudge for is... whoever killed shenhe. ]

pc catchall | homophonic | netzach

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