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metacognition) wrote2023-06-09 07:14 pm
metacognition) wrote2023-06-09 07:14 pm
pc catchall | homophonic | netzach
OBLOMOV.
oblomov.
netzach.
netzach.
❝ Now or never! 'To be or not to be!'"—Oblomov raised himself from his chair a little, but failing to find his slippers with his feet at once, sat down again. ❞
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it's not the first time he's seen this memory, but it's hard to watch it, over and over. (but isn't that what he always does? he watches it. over and over and over.)
his hands flex uselessly at his sides - a spark, jittering over the tops of his knuckles - before he shakes his head. he feels strange. uncomfortable. seen, for someone who's so good at lying. someone who has done everything in his power to protect his soft, squishy core. ]
... Not much else to say, I'm afraid.
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[he shakes his head, reaching up to run his fingers through his bangs, still sort of calming after that.]
Every moment should be life. I can't wrap my head around thinking about it in that kind of way.
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I told you before. Sometimes humans aren't human at all.
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[even if he considers himself to not be human-- that much, he thinks is probably true.]
...I think saying it's just inhuman isn't acknowledging that it's something we decide not to be.
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[ considering
the whole shocking thing. now that discomfort shows further, only for a second, before his expression closes off entirely. ]
My father is a completely, utterly, human being who made plenty of decisions and conscious choices.
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[he's not always made for talking about things like that, or necessarily for thinking before he says them-- it all still sits uncomfortably with him, images lingering.]
...sorry, man.
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[ he waves his hand, off to the side. it's a topic that he's not comfortable with at all, and talking about the philosophy of it all rankles him when his tender underbelly's just been blatantly exposed. it's a lot different when he's able to be disconnected from it. he can talk philosophy all day when its not staring him in the face. ]
We've just already talked about this, is all. What were you going to say?
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[he's opted not to try to word what he's thinking, in case, because he knows when he probably shouldn't, or to ask if it's actually the same thing. this is also why philosophy is not his floor-- but he gets the sense that it touches nerves for them both in very different ways.
pigs apparently sense impending awkward silence on his end, though, because it's averted by something of netzach's own.
the first thing he sees is this scene. the lowest point in netzach's life, he thinks, out of all those cycles-- the one where he gave up completely. one of the times he did? he isn't sure. everything blurs, in thousands of years of loops.
but this is the time where something manifested after that conversation, twisted his metal form into something reflecting his awful emotional state. there are warnings going off that he barely hears- WARNING: manifestation of qlipha detected due to sephirah meltdown. core suppression is required for continued functionality, manager.
he doesn't care about this, or about the sudden shared recollection of his old self. why should he? why does it matter? what's the point of trying to save anyone's life here in this hell, just to watch them die the next day? he can't take it anymore, seeing nothing but suffering and death. it's hopeless. he's hopeless.
he lets himself drift into unconsciousness, and he hopes he doesn't wake up again.
but he does. netzach doesn't remember what happened, while he was asleep; he only knows he's awake again, standing in the same place once more. standing with the exact person who put him into his own personal hell in the first place. there truly is no escape, is there...?
but maybe he doesn't need one, anymore. if he could be saved, then maybe this time, the manager will finally succeed.]